


Transitions

by Infie



Series: Holiday Trilogy [3]
Category: Dark Angel
Genre: Angst, Friendship, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-03
Updated: 2014-01-03
Packaged: 2018-01-07 05:50:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,119
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1116269
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Infie/pseuds/Infie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's New Year's Eve and Joshua is trying, but his grief for Annie is making him struggle.  Alec is having issues of his own with memories of Rachel and decides to take some steps to bring Joshua some comfort.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Transitions

Terminal City was flooded with people for the second time in as many weeks. The enormous Christmas Tree had been taken out of the headquarters building and now hung off the roof of one of the warehouses instead. The whole block blazed with lights as Terminal City prepared to usher in the new year, transgenic style. 

Which seemed to involve all lights available in the city, music loud enough to wake the dead, and a sea of gyrating figures in the streets. Alec laughed out loud as he reached the edge of the dancing crowd. 

"Hey, Alec! Are you playing for us tonight?" Dix's voice sounded from the mob of dancers. 

"Not tonight, pal. Tonight, I'm here to par-tay." He shouted back. 

His arm encircled the waist of Leila, a svelte X-5 he'd had the pleasure of meeting a couple of weeks before. She was tall, blonde, and curvy in all the right areas. More importantly, she was fun and didn't believe that everyday conversation included fists meeting ribs. He gave her a gentle squeeze and she turned in his arm to plant an enthusiastic kiss on him. He responded in kind, and was grinning down at her laughing face when he caught sight of Joshua standing to the side, watching the dancers with a half-smile on his face. Alec started to look away, to join the party he'd been looking forward to all week, but just then the smile slid from Joshua's face and the expression on his face was so anguished it stole Alec's breath. 

He followed Joshua's gaze, to see a tiny woman dancing in the crowd, her back to them. She was petite and chocolate-skinned, built like a dancer. The music swayed her around to face them, and it was no one Alec had met before. He looked back at Joshua, who had apparently recovered. The colour was back in his face, and he was chuffing gently with the beat. Alec blinked, looked back at the woman who was once again facing away. From behind, she looked familiar. Like... 

Annie. 

Damn. 

Alec heaved a sigh, then looked down at Leila's now quizzical face. "Sorry, sweetheart," he said with real regret in his voice. "I've got something I have to do." He spun on his heel and threaded his way through the dancers who had managed to spread out and envelop them. The screen of his cell phone glowed blue as he flipped it opened and dialled rapidly. 

"Hi there. It's Alec McDowell." A smile graced his lips as he paused to duck through the wire fence. "Actually, I need a favour." 

* * *

Joshua watched the dancers, laughing under his breath as his friends cavorted in ridiculous fashion. His party was another rousing success, and even if Alec hadn't showed up yet, Max had arrived an hour earlier with Logan in tow. She was wearing her new leathers for protection against the chill air, and Joshua felt his heart warm as he watched her dance with Logan, head thrown back as she laughed. Max was as close as anyone other than his brothers had ever come to being his family, and it would be fair to say that his feelings for her bordered on outright adoration. Joshua's eyes moved once again to Margaret's slim body dancing with the others, and his chest squeezed tight as he felt again the impact of her resemblance to Annie. He looked away hurriedly, back to Max. 

Suddenly he was sad. As close as he and Max were, it was one thing she could not really understand, no matter how hard she tried. She still thought of Joshua as a naive innocent who needed protection from the world. She couldn't understand that he was also a man who was responsible for the death of the only woman he'd ever really loved. It was something that her view of Joshua couldn't quite integrate. Just then Max looked over at him and gave him a glowing smile. Joshua raised his hand and waved, huffing at her. Then his eyes were drawn as if by magnets to Margaret. She looked so much like Annie that he could almost believe... but then she turned and the illusion was gone. Joshua gave a little moan deep in his chest and tried to lose himself in the party again. 

He was pushed more forcefully than gently to one side as Alec dropped down beside him, taking more than his share of the concrete slab he'd been sitting on. "Alec!" Joshua leaned back against his friend's shoulder in greeting. "Was wondering if you were 'going to show'." 

"Wouldn't miss it for the world, big guy." Alec replied with his usual blythe tone, shrugging a mostly-empty backpack higher on his other shoulder. "Not after all the work you put into it." They sat in companionable silence for a moment, watching the crowd celebrate and apparently prepare to light the Christmas tree on fire. Alec blinked a little at the sight of Dalton waving a large flaming torch, then shook himself and turned to his friend. 

"Hey, Josh. I have something to show you. What do you say we blow this joint for a little while?" 

Joshua gave him a slightly wide-eyed look. "Isn't the fire enough?" He asked. 

Alec stared at him blankly a moment before comprehension dawned. "Ah! No, I mean leave, not literally make anything explode." 

"Oh." Joshua gave his head-tilted grin and laughed. "Glad to hear it." He stood. "Joshua should have listened to 'Common Verbal Usage', huh?" 

"Nah." Alec stepped away, leading him out of Terminal City. "That class was crap anyway." His teeth flashed white in the dark. "Except the teacher, Sergeant Archie. Now, she taught me some verbal usage you don't hear everyday..." 

They disappeared into the night. 

* * *

Alec metered his steps as he kept up the relentless chatter with Joshua, making sure the big guy didn't notice the pace slow as they approached his destination. He stopped in front of a darkened entranceway, opened the door, and ushered Joshua inside without pausing for breath. They were a good twenty meters inside before Joshua stopped. 

"Uh, Alec?" he asked. 

"Yeah, Josh?" 

"It's dark in here." 

"So it is." Now that they were here, Alec was feeling some misgivings about his plan. 

"Too dark." He paused, his voice plaintive. "Joshua can't see." 

"Hmmm." Alec took a deep breath and nodded to himself. "Just a sec." He trotted over to the light switch, trusting his memory to get him there safely. He sensed a pillar at the last second and corrected his path, just barely avoiding crashing into it. He reached the dimmer switch and turned it just enough to fill the room with a warm golden glow. 

The walls of the gallery arched up on three sides, forming a lovely forty foot cathedral-style ceiling above them. The light came from four chandaliers, each containing at least two hundred small bulbs glowing softly. On the fourth side the gallery extended into darkness through a set of tall square columns. Alec blinked against the light as his eyes adjusted, then looked for Joshua. 

His friend stood in almost the exact centre of the viewing area. Joshua too blinked, then gasped as he realized where he was. His eyes focussed on the first of the paintings hung on the gallery wall, and he paled. 

"Now, don't be mad, Josh." Alec said soothingly. "It's not for the public or anything. It's just for you." 

Joshua slowly turned, taking it all in. He still looked stunned. 

Annie's portrait hung from every available hook, was leaned against the walls everywhere there was free space. All of Joshua's paintings of her lovely face were displayed. It took the entire room to hold them all. "Joshua put these away," he said hoarsely. Put them away when he left for Terminal City, into storage, into darkness, into oblivion. Put them away to where they couldn't hurt him anymore. 

"I know." Alec leaned back against the wall, crossing his arms comfortably on his chest. He watched his friend closely. 

"Joshua does not want to see these anymore, Alec." His voice was stronger, with a thread of anger. Put _away_. 

"I know that, too." Alec pushed away from the wall and made his way to a couch set conveniently nearby. A small table huddled against one arm of the sofa as if for comfort, a single picture frame on it. Alec shrugged off his knapsack and took a seat. The zipper rasped, liquor sloshed faintly as he withdrew a bottle of scotch. He heaved a sigh, then patted the cushion beside him. 

Joshua glared at him half-heartedly, then slowly made his way over and sat beside him. He tilted his head back a little, eyes shifting from one portrait to the next. Each new image was another knife in his heart. Alec couldn't know what this did to him, he thought. He'd never have done this if he'd known. He fought the stinging in his eyes. 

Alec took a long swig, then passed Joshua the bottle. He picked up the picture frame, stared at it impassively. "See this, Josh?" He asked conversationally. He passed the frame over. 

Joshua took it, expecting to see yet another heart-rending picture of Annie. Instead, it was a photo of a young dark-haired girl. She was beautiful, her head tipped back slightly in a laugh, eyes sparkling. The photographer had caught her unaware, and the candidness of the shot added to its impact. Joshua found himself involuntarily grinning back at her. He looked up, and Alec was smiling too, eyes on the picture. 

"That's Rachel," Alec told him. "I loved her," he added simply. 

Joshua looked back at the picture. She was beautiful and full of life, but didn't seem Alec's usual type. She was too young, for one... and she radiated a wholesome innocence that was quite unlike anyone Joshua had ever seen Alec with. He wasn't quite sure what to say. He settled on, "Rachel is very pretty." 

"She was." Alec's face emptied, and Joshua found himself looking at an Alec he'd only ever glimpsed once. "I killed her." 

Joshua's eyes widened. He stared at his friend in shock. Alec simply continued to examine the photo, completely impassive. Joshua looked down at the bottle in his hands and gave a mental shrug, then took a long pull off of it. The scotch burned like fire going down, and he drew a huge gasping breath. Air filled his mouth with the welcome cold that comes with evaporating alcohol. When his eyes stopped watering, he saw his companion looking at him with amusement, and at least it was Alec again behind the hazel eyes. 

"Smooth." He managed to croak out. 

"Uh huh." Alec outright grinned, taking the bottle back and sucking back another generous mouthful. "Yeah," he said when he could speak again. "All one-year old scotch is smooth." He shook himself a little, took the picture frame from Joshua's hand and placed it tenderly back on the little table. "You know," he said. "I've been reading up on this new year thing." 

Joshua cocked his head, interested. 

"It seems that New Year's is all about starting over," Alec continued, pulling his eyes away from the picture with an effort. "New Year's Eve is a time to reflect on what's happened in the past, and then with midnight comes a rebirth... a transition to a new start." He glanced over to see Joshua gaping at him. He shrugged, took another swig of the scotch. "Yeah," he said, letting his head drop back so he could stare at the ceiling morosely. "You're right. People like us don't get to start over." His hand cradled the picture frame, unconsciously protective. 

Joshua blinked, then rose a little unsteadily and made his way to the nearest portrait of Annie. His immense hand rose to lay a single tender finger against her painted cheek. Alec rolled his head to watch. "Joshua misses Annie." Joshua gave a deeply unhappy growl. Alec returned to looking at the chandaliers. 

"That never goes away." He rose, joined Joshua at the portrait, handed the transhuman the now significantly depleted bottle. Joshua took another drink, this time like an old pro. Alec grinned a little. At least their hopped-up metabolisms would keep Josh from getting too hammered. 

He hoped. 

"Max doesn't understand." Joshua blurted suddenly. 

"Uh huh." Alec nodded as if he knew what his friend meant. Joshua sat down abruptly. The bottle clanked on the floor, and he gave it an uncomprehending look before taking another drink. 

"It was Joshua's fault. I killed her." 

"Ah." Alec nodded wisely, ran his hand soothingly over Joshua's hair. "Nope. Max won't get that, big fella. She figures you should understand it wasn't your fault." 

"But it _was_ Joshua's fault." Joshua huffed a combination of grief and anger. Alec dropped to one knee beside him, draping an arm over his shoulders and staring into his mournful eyes earnestly. 

" _I_ understand, big guy." Alec told him firmly. There was no compromise in his tone. "Guilt doesn't believe in matters of opinion." 

"Guilt is mean." Joshua agreed sulkily. 

"She sure as hell is." Alec's eyes found Rachel. He heaved a sigh and sat the rest of the way on the floor, leaning against his friend. He rescued the scotch from Joshua's unsteady hand and helped himself. They stared up at Annie's picture together. Alec remembered the feel of her delicate fingers tracing his face so tenderly and shook his head in regret. She hadn't deserved to die. Joshua echoed him. 

"Annie was so beautiful." Joshua huffed a little. 

"She was beautiful, Josh." Alec nodded. "And a damned nice girl, too." 

"And funny." Joshua gave his deep, chuffing laugh. "Annie made Joshua laugh." 

Alec smiled. "I know she did." He tilted his head, getting a different perspective on the painted face. "She looks like someone who smiles a lot." 

"Oh, yes." Joshua laughed again, then sobered. "Annie liked Joshua... for Joshua, Alec. Annie made Joshua feel... normal." 

"I understand, big guy." Alec shifted a little, settled himself more comfortably. "Acceptance for who you are is great." He paused. "It's even better when it comes from someone who's normal themself." 

Joshua blinked hard. "Joshua doesn't need to be 'normal'." He said defiantly. 

"Normal is way overrated." Alec agreed easily. "I'd rather be me anyway." 

Joshua turned his head to look at his friend, perfect features lovingly outlined by candlelight. "I never said thank you," he said suddenly. 

Alec's brows furrowed. "For what?" He asked. 

"For letting Annie believe you were Joshua." 

"Ah." Alec's face cleared. "That was no problem. She didn't care what you looked like, anyway." He shrugged. "Annie probably saw you clearest of any of us, just by looking with her heart and not her eyes." 

Joshua looked around the room, hung with the expression of his grief for his lost love. "Why did you do this, Alec?" He asked. 

"Hey!" Alec looked at his watch. "It's just a couple of minutes to midnight." He stood. "You really think there's nothing to this New Year's stuff?" He asked a little forlornly. 

Joshua just stared up at him. Alec grinned faintly, strode over to the knapsack, and withdrew a bottle of champagne, two little plastic cups, and some small item Joshua couldn't quite make out. He came back to his friend's side, and knelt long enough to set down the cups and pop open the champagne. The bottle had been chilled; tiny droplets of water condensed on the green glass immediately. Joshua expected Alec to sit back down, but instead he returned to his feet. He reached down and dragged Joshua up, too. 

"Well, _I've_ decided that it's time for me to learn to start over," he said firmly. "We are men! We are strong! And we will persevere!" His voice rose. The cathedral ceiling provided excellent acoustics. His mood was infectious, and Joshua stood taller, his eyes glinting. Alec continued, relying on a combination of the alcohol and Joshua's natural excitability. "We can beat guilt! Oh, sure, she's a tough bitch, but she's going down." 

"Guilt bitch, going down!" Joshua echoed, nodding. 

"Damned straight." Alec walked across the tiled floor, to a door hidden cleverly in the wall. He flourished the tiny item from the knapsack, and Joshua saw it was a key. "I found someone else who needs a new start too, Joshua. Come and help me convince her it's worthwhile." As Joshua took the first step, curious, Alec added. "Bring the champagne, buddy." 

"Right." Joshua picked up the bottle and cups and joined Alec at the door. His nose twitched. Alec flicked on the light. 

It was a small room, clearly intended for storage. It was currently empty, except for a thick blue blanket and a huddled mass of gold in the corner. Joshua's eyes opened as wide as Alec had ever seen them, and he had to rescue the champagne before the bottle actually fell from Joshua's suddenly nerveless fingers. The golden shape moved, and a slim head lifted, amber eyes blinking against the light. There was a tiny whine, and Alec wasn't sure if it came from Joshua or from the corner. 

"Billie!" Joshua breathed, dropping to his knees. Billie came off the floor in a blur worthy of a transgenic, throwing herself into Joshua's arms in a flurry of ecstatic welcome, bowling him right over. She covered his face in doggy kisses, sending Joshua into gales of laughter. 

"Alec!" He gasped between fending the golden retriever off. "How?" 

"I found her at a shelter." Alec told him. "She was picked up about a week ago, and the people who had been taking care of her decided she wasn't worth the trouble." He paused, then continued delicately. "She kept visiting Annie." 

Joshua managed to get back onto his knees, his arms still full of wriggling dog. He grabbed Billie's head between his hands, looking deeply into her soulful amber eyes and whispering to her softly in a combination of whimpers and growls. Billie muttered back at him. "What do you think, Billie?" Joshua asked. "Billie and Joshua, starting over?" Billie replied by licking his nose, and Joshua buried his face in her fur. 

Alec crouched and slowly picked up one of the dropped plastic cups, then stood and poured champagne into it from the bottle he still held. He turned in the doorway, until he was facing the tiny end table and its picture of Rachel. One of the heavy portraits of Annie hung just above it. He glanced at his watch and mentally counted down the seconds, raising his cup to them both. 

"Happy New Year, ladies," he said, and drank. 

-30-


End file.
